- After 12 Years my Mother is Still Everywhere
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The first step in overcoming this obstacle is to remember you are an adult who does not need the approval of everyone in order to have your needs met. If you are visiting relatives out of town and things do not go well, you know you can always find a backup plan of a hotel. This would not have been an option you had as a child, but now have as an adult. I don't do guilt. That is not to say I am a sociopath but that I refuse to be manipulated by guilt trips ie. When I have hurt or offended someone or did something wrong I do still feel bad. For me that is a feeling of regret not guilt. When I have done something that I regret doing I do my best to correct what I have done.
That could be an apology, replacing something broken, etc. Once I have done that I am done with the situation with the exception of learning from it. If someone tries to lord a situation over me I simply say, "Pack your bags we're going on a guilt trip," then I let it go. I learned from an early age, approximately 10 years old, that guilt trips were being used as a manipulation. Being a strong willed person I don't allow myself to be manipulated, even at that young age.
Both of my parents were apt to use this method. This is when "pack your bags My mother eventually learned that this wasn't working and stopped. My father on the other hand kept trying until the day he died. It never worked and because of that my dad would often get angry and frustrated about it. No one can "make" me feel anything. To do so that would indicate that they have power over me. When I get angry it is because I have allowed it. Also if I am sad, disgusted, resentful, and even happy that is all my responsibility. Do I get angry when someone has done something to react that way?
Absolutely but because I have allowed it to get me angry. I am responsible for my feelings and the way I react to people. Given that I am responsible for my feelings I refuse to feel guilty especially when it is being used to manipulate me. Please help me. My mother makes me feel that I am the reason why she is suffering. My relatives are blaming me for not loving my mother enough and that's why she has gone crazy. It is so painful to hear people blaming you for the actions that my mom has chosen. I was a good daughter, studied very well in school, have a nice paying job but still my mother make me feel like I am the most obtuse daughter at all.
She accuses me of not loving her. How can she do that to me. I take her to fancy restaurants, give her gifts during her birthday, christmas and mother's day while I give none to my Father whom I love dearly. Please help. I have the same experience with my mum and relatives. My aunt went so far as to say, "You're not a very nice daughter, you are never there for you mum, you treat her so badly" because I didn't drop everything for mum whenever she was having an emotional meltdown or another 'illness' or 'injury' that needed someone to look after her.
My brothers can walk on water, but I am the daughter who never quite measures up because I refuse to surrender to the s world view that my life should be subjugated to serve my parents needs as they age. My mum uses guilt or criticism as weapons, but she could never admit it, and I feel like she runs me down when talking to relatives about how her daughter never does enough for her.
Thanks, Diane, for this article. It's especially nice to hear your comments about taking care of your own guilt. That's strong advice--to forgive yourself and to see and understand your own guilt first and to nurture yourself. Self-nurturing can go such a long ways towards helping with situations like this! It's also nice to hear your thoughts and suggestions on managing the situation. Winning Arguments. Hi, I left home when I was 18 because I was very unhappy. Divorced parents, mom taking role of victim, laying guilt trips and controlling me, I had to go.
I am now married and pregnant with my first child. Due early October. My mom criticises me a lot, nothing is ever good enough. The latest and greatest was yesterday when she tried to make me feel bad about my plan to put my child in daycare after I go back to work. I have nobody here who can take care of my baby after maternity leave, and as it stands, I cannot afford to stay home after the baby is here.
She wants to come live with me and is trying to guilt me into lasting her to do so. I got very upset and emotional pregnancy hormones don't help here and to her that this is my child and my husband and I would do what we deem right. I told her she is making me anxious and I would appreciate it if she kept this sort of thing to herself, and that if she wants to spend an extended amount of time here, she can buy or rent a place nearby.
She is very opinionated, and critical. She is supposed to spend 2 months with me after the baby is born and I have no idea how I am going to deal with the stress. She said I was being too hard on her and she has lived me all her life and doesn't deserve this. So I said I was sorry for being hard on her but she needs to respect that this my life.
To which she responded: you have been hurting me for a long time, and I have let it go, but this time it's too much. You have to respect me as your parent and as a close family manner and not treat me like a stranger. She can't get over herself and let me have a peaceful first pregnancy. I am so angry at her for this.
I really don't know what to do. I feel you. I know how hard it is to have an overly criticising mom. My mom said the same things to me. She wants to delve into my phone but frustrated to find out it has password. She wants to know how much I earn and wants to see my payslip. She wants to keep my ATM card. And she feel very frustrated that I want privacy. As the author said, this kind of mom knows no boundaries. I know it's very hard to be with a new born with little or no help but me and my husband has come to the decision that it will be just the two of us.
I know that would be very difficult as we have to work, but difficult is better that to have her stay in our house - it is much of a stress. Post partum does not help either. Imagine spending the next 2 months with it - I cannot. I have been feeling tremendous guilt for over a week now. For Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend, I politely declined my mom's invitation to her Thanksgiving dinner for the first time ever.
I told her that as planned for the past year and discussed for even longer , my husband and I wanted to start some our own traditions this year for the holidays. This would mean we wouldn't necessarily be available to go to her house.tdaprico.ru/images/21.php
After 12 Years my Mother is Still Everywhere
Every holiday has always been very stressful with trying to please both families and show up to their various gatherings, which is made complicated by the fact that my mom is remarried to a lovely man who happens to have really awful adult kids who have made my mom's life living hell since they got married 7 years ago. They treat her like dirt no matter how good she is to them, and they still treat us like visitors in their home even though my mom and stepdad purchased a new house together with their combined money.
They have been particularly rude towards my mom and stepdad this past year and have had some falling outs which have made me sick to my stomach, yet my mom has decided to let the holidays go on as normal despite her recent wishes not to host them anymore. Anyway I told her prior to Thanksgiving that we would like to start making some our own plans for the holidays, to which she got very defensive and blamed my husband this decision, accusing him of not wanting me to see my family. I explained that this was or decision together, and reminded her that we had decided this awhile ago, and she said she hopes that the stepkids' behaviour this past year will not affect us having holidays together like we always have.
Again, I explained that this decision was made awhile ago, because we want our own traditions, and doesn't mean that every year will be this way, but the truth is that the stepkids have made us very uncomfortable for many years when we have been over there. I didn't say this to her, but I have always gone over there to make her happy, and have not thought about my own feelings. Anyway she said that she understands us wanting to make our own plans, and how hard it has been with the stepkids, but it is just very sad that it has to be this way, that she always hoped she could have a beautiful blended family in which everyone loved each other and perhaps this is wishful thinking.
I reassured her that it's not her fault, that families are not perfect and that sometimes you just have to improvise, and that she married her husband and not his kids. We can still find ways to see each other and it's not like we're never going to come over again, we just might not be there every time. But since that conversation she has been very cold and distant, with one word responses to any texts I have sent and radio silence otherwise. Very unlike her as she is usually very chatty and sending me message daily. She has done this in the past and I know if is her feeling sorry for herself and guilt tripping me, but from my point of view I have always done holidays to make her happy and have not thought about myself..
I find that in the past I have always given in to my mother's guilt tripping, and I feel that she uses it in me because she knows I have a weakness for pleasing others and that I am "too nice" to say no. What can I do? Ugh, what a story. Just take care of yourself. It's not always easy but you have to take care of you first.
What’s Your Question: Should my boyfriend still display photos of his late wife?
Sometimes being "selfish" is really just self-care and occasionally taking care of your own needs before another's needs. There is nothing wrong with this. Ever since I was a child my mom has been strict on me, mostly due to her asian qualities. She always made me do extra work, and as I got older the extra work kept pilining up to the point I refused to do any of it. In elmentary school, she would force me to stop any play or anything I'm doing and focus on the FCAT. A standardized Florida state test for a couple weeks to a month before the test.
She would give me multiple tests a day too, and expected me to finish them all. It did help for a bit, but when I started 3rd grade, thats when I started becoming a rebel, lol. And I thought it wasn't nesscessary. I would literally just cheat of the answers in the back, then she found out so she ripped the answers out, and then I just would guess or try to find the answer sheet.
It did affect me a bit, but I passed my standard test. She continued this practice until my last standard test in Sophmore year. Not to mention, whenever it was summer vacation she would buy me books to learn for the next grade. In 8th grade she only allowed me 3 weeks to hang with friends in the summer, then she made me stay home and study! But, she got way stricter in highschool. I was in a college program, and marching band. She always expected all A's from me, but highschool I didn't even get A or B honor roll. I tried really hard to at least get all A's and B's, but I didn't.
I got A,B,C,D. Many times I was close with a 79 but thats it. My senior year I took the hardest math class ever, and I was really lost, I actually made it through 1 semester and ended up failing it by 2 points. This has been my first and only F I've ever gotten durring grade school. And she would not let it go. I cried so much in highschool for many reasons.
I believed I wasn't good enough because I couldn't meet her standards. But heres the thing, my parents are separated, and I stayed with my mom. However, my dad is very much in my life. I don't want to get into serious details but my mom was left to pay for most things alone, and I can understand why she is the way she is. She's always stressed out, running here and there, refusing to rest.
It breaks my heart, because I don't want her to live like this, but she takes her stress out on me.. And sometimes I really feel like I can't take it anymore.
I'm tired of trying to live up to her expectations, because I haven't met them. And I think her standards for me are really high, because my mom extremely intelligent, she can learn anything I ask her help with. Unfornately, I'm not as smart as her, so this is also probably why she gets upset with me.
But lately we have really bad tension between each other, and I'm so tired of it :. Hi Lexi, Not many mothers have daughters who understand and sympathize with them the way you do with your mother. It makes me wonder if the two of you might get some help together. And if not, I think it might be helpful for you to work with a therapist to get a handle on some of this stuff separate from your mom.
All best, Diane. I am an only child, and have always been very close to my mum. She was the best mum that anyone could ask for, growing up. She was very loving and nurturing.
What Is a Mother-In-Law Apartment & Should You Have One? | hujekarezubo.ga
I moved out of state when I was 18, I am now Through the years, she had made me feel guilty for being away, and constantly says how alone she is. We always had a small extended family, and they are all deceased now. My father was never in the picture. Since the deaths of the rest of the family, it has gotten really bad with the guilt trips. It's constantly "I am so alone", "I have nobody to depend on". I get to Iowa to see her at least every two months.
I do so much for her financially she is on disability , but no matter what I do, it's never enough. I have tried to get her to live near me in North Carolina, since she has no family left and no friends, back in Iowa, but she won't make any changes. I know that depression is a factor, but instead of trying to get help, it's constantly a guilt trip on me. I love her so much, and it's making me feel like a really bad person. Any advice? Hi Jaime, It sounds to me like you're doing everything you can to make your mom feel better.
What would happen if now you just listened and expressed your sympathy without feeling like you had to do anything more? You could sometimes remind her that you'd like to have her move to NC to be closer to you if you really are ok doing that , but my guess is that you're not going to get her to stop complaining, no matter what you do. Sometimes people just need to complain -- it makes them feel better. The trick is not to take it personally -- to keep reminding yourself that you're a good daughter, no matter what she says. Get other people to remind you of that if you can't do it for yourself!
Hope this helps! Best, Diane. Like other,s on here i often find it difficult to have a normal relationship with my mother. She is very manipulative and this article about feelings of guilt make perfect sense to me! I am 38 and moved out age I have been a mum myself now for 12 years but the way she behaves just baffles me sometimes.
It is like she goes out of her way to get the better of me or belittle me. At times i think its just me reacting to her. I have tried ignoring it, telling her to stop it but all to no avail. So i might try some of the tips here. Wow, I did a google search today to find support over my guilt tripping Mom and came across this article. Very helpful. My Mom and I have a complicated relationship, close, but don't have the best communication due to her guilt trips and me emotionally protecting myself because of this and feeling like I can do nothing right.
I am also a very good and giving daughter. I am an only child and feel enormous amounts of pressure on me at times. My parents divorced when I was 7 and my Mom had sole custody. She made some tough decisions when I was younger moving us, working two jobs, etc. My Mom seemingly was supportive the past year as I was talking about it, but after Christmas told me she wished I would re-think our decision and was very teary leaving my daughter at Christmas to return back home over the holiday she now lives 2 hours away.
I'm having a hard time with this as, yet again, I feel like I can't do anything right. She said she wanted to be honest with me and tell me, but the way she does it isn't the best and then when I try to tell her how I feel she takes it as I'm not hearing her or respecting her feelings I get really tired of it and honestly at a loss often in how we will ever really communicate effectively.
She doesn't have any clue that she put so many guilt trips on me. What about issues with out-of-state family members inviting themselves over? In the past, I have agreed to last minute plans But also never called to say they werent coming.. Now they keep trying to invite themselves but Ive had enough of this so I said no and now Im being guilt tripped and even chewed out.. They have also bashed my husband horribly! I have asked them to stop with all the negativity Now my sister and mother tried inviting themselves over right now from out of state Look at what youre doing to this family!
They even yelled at me because I didnt go to dinner with them once Is it so bad that I want to be left alone for a while? I dont want to be badgered into a visit, I dont want to hear my husband bashed on, and Id prefer our relationship to have stricter boundaries. It resembles the same feeling we get , me and my mother when we get into a fight. And just because I wasn't aware of these feelings and was always mourning to know what those impulses meant.
Now I begun to understand that and actually I'm on a journey myself. Thank you for writing such a helpful article. I'm sure enough to read it more times to bear those in my subconscious mind. And you know what, sometimes, she doesn't attack me nor criticizes me, but I don't know why do I take the blame or feel responsible for her depression and guilt-provoking behaviour with my younger brothers, And I don't verbally complain, but in my head , I do it whenever she's upset and just wearing off her anger and depression onto younger brothers.
Why am I takingrresponsibility for everything? Helped me. My mother and I have never been close. Her and my father divorced when I was 12 and she took majority custody. During the week I woke to an empty house and returned to one too until my mom returned from work around 7pm. Because of this I always felt strongly independent, which I actually think is a good thing.
During my freshman year of college my father was diagnosed with stage 5 colon cancer and around the same time my mother retired and moved from the town I grew up in the Northeast to Florida. After my father passed my sophomore year it started becoming apparent that my mom had a drinking problem.
A few years later she finally got sober and she has been sober since - about 6 years now. But since sobering up she has replaced her addiction to alcohol with obsessions over other things such as eastern medicine and Zumba. Literally all she does is talk about Zumba and preach bizarre and scientifically incorrect and sometimes dangerous beliefs; for example believes vaccines cause autism, claims all peanuts have mold which make us all sick, and that mental health medications are evil.
She then tries to cite blogs as proof of her theories. Mind you, I have two degrees in Biology and my wife is an MD, more specifically a psychiatrist so her beliefs are particularly upsetting to both of us and our newborn child. Now all that said, I let my mom talk her crazy and have learned to bite my toungue but I work long hours and again have a newborn at home so I don't get around to calling often - maybe once a week.
Recently I had my wife's family over for an extended period and didn't call for a two week span. When I finally got some time I called and when she didn't answer I left a vmail apologizing for the communication lapse and explaining we had people over. The next day she called back and when I asked how she was, she said with a sign "okay I guess" and when I asked her to not beat around the bush she went on about how I left a message saying sorry but if I were really sorry I would call her more.
She's right, I'm absolutely not sorry for not calling - I just used it as a colloquialism. I am a busy person and haven't the time to feel any regret over not calling my mother. I told her that I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and said the phone works both ways. She then argued that she calls me she doesn't, she only calls me back and I told her I didn't want to argue and hung up.
Fast forward to today - she writes me an email telling me she expects more respect from me and is surprised I haven't called to apologize. I honestly don't know how to reply, part of me doesn't want anything to do with her. Again I kind of raised myself and my mother spent a large portion of my life in a drunk stupor and another portion drinking the cool aide from some crazy people she met in AA. I realize this isn't an option but I just don't know how to proceed.
I agree with one of the commenters above that I don't want to reward her manipulative behavior - should I confront her again and call it out? The guilt and nasty email have left a cloud over my emotional well being. Any advise is appreciated! Hello everyone, I am 24 years young and I am still being guilt tripped by my Mother. I am the oldest of 6. I have felt obligated since I was 16 years of age to help my family.
I was at one point the sole provider for my household while still in high school. I felt that this was necessary because she was all I had. Out of all my siblings I am the only one who has never met or even spoken to my biological father. So my Mother was God in my eyes. She made me feel so obligated to take care of bills and family thats the only way I know I am accepted and loved in life nowadays. When I was 18 she moved down south with the rest of my family a month before graduation to avoid legal trouble.
I am the only one of her kids who has walked thus far and for those five years I financially supported my family continually.
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I was over the moon. There was no words to describe how overjoyed I was to finally be with them. I already has mixed feeling about her husband because of the late nights calls of my mom crying and him threatening me as well as my Mom over the phone. After being there a week my Mothers husband punched her in the chin while we were all i the house. I knew then this was terrible. I grew up seeing this and I didn't want my siblings to deal with the same. My Moms husband had them in his pocket buying them gifts when they told they are scared of him.
My Mother slept with a knife under her pillow every night. Anytime I would bring up the issue of him and his abuse she would bring up my faults. Or say you can leave we were fine without you. She even said my son isn't happy my son is very happy! This man she marred is a 6 time felon with drugs and guns in the house. He told me that you and that baby gotta go and immediately my Mom took his side!
Before I left back up north she wouldn't let me in the house to get my things or even say goodbye to her grandson. Fast forward to now. I am now living with my Mother and my siblings because her husband pulled a gun on my family and my smart 14 yr old sister called the cops.
He has been incarcerated since and for the last 3 months she says she been happy and she is so grateful to have me with her. A few days ago he calls and says he is getting out. All of a sudden she starts saying mean things like i don't love her. I treat my son like he's an inconvience and that I'm dirty and she can't live with me because she doesn't like living with other people. I'm So distraught and confused I thought we wee good and she said she was happiest with her kids why does happened and why is she making my feel bad on speaking for what's right. She turns my siblings against me all the time ans when they are with me they say I'm Right but they are scared to tell mom.
When I was 18 my Mother told me I wasn't her daughter anymore I help out with any and everything she's needed since then to Feel wanted but I am stating to believe now no truer words have even been Spoken. Everyone looking on the outside says she has always tried to guilt trip me because she knows she is all I have as a parent.
I am certain this is true. My Mother put a caption under a picture of my birth picture- "one hour old and dirty already". My 8 year old daughter is wondering where my connection is with my Mother's love- I was severely emotionally neglected and abused and don't know how to explain this. My daughter doesn't understand where that love went because she feels a strong bond with me and her Dad. She intuitively said I didn't get loved the way she is. I have tried all these things in rotation for years, and yet my mother is still mean.
She doesn't realize it, but she has Borderline Personality Disorder and we grew up in a very abusive home with my father as her protector and enabler. It was always out fault, no matter what. Now, I'm back home visiting because her father passed away and I'm helping with the memorial arrangements.
I've been cooking, cleaning, doing their laundry, preparing for incoming family members, and juggling my toddler.
My mother has been nothing but rude and constantly undermines my parenting. The other day she taught my daughter a new skill, and when I excitedly shipped out my phone to record her, she got distracted and my mother said "We were doing just fine until you came in here. Just a moment ago my daughter fell asleep on me and she woke up crying as I gently placed her in the crib.
Mom calls out "I don't think she's sleepy" from across the hall. When I had to message my husband about the budget while my daughter looked at a book, my mother said "I'm glad I didn't have all that technology to distract me when you were a child. You would've learned nothing! All we learned is to make everything revolve around YOU. He did it twice while I was in High School. I think I'm done trying.
You can let go Anna!!
When Are You Sacrificing Too Much in Your Relationship?
I feel your pain. I let go many years ago and I still feel what happened sometimes- but I have no control over what has happened in the past. Having something to believe in really helps- something that never goes away like God- God can set you free and you don't have to feel guilty about letting go.
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God does not want us to be mistreated or used- he wants us help him bring justice and kindness to his world and when you are made to feel guilty by people, his work is ruined. If you think you shouldn't feel bad- remember if you just told one story to a person with healthy boundaries you would be validated by their reaction.
They both adore him and it feels as if they are trying to make up for the time lost when he grew up it was in difficult circumstances and minimised contact with them for a while. I can have perfect conversations with my husband about this situation when they are not here. However, the moment they set foot in our house it is as if he is five years old again. As a consequence, every time my in-laws visit, they in effect rule our house. My mother-in-law has started to manipulate the situation between me and my husband.
On her most recent visit, she was doing things she knew would annoy me. She shows very little interest in our kids but insists on hugging and kissing my husband frequently. I can survive these visits, but I cannot forgive my husband for not standing up to them when required. When they are here, he is focused on pleasing them. I think this situation will escalate and I do not know how to change it. I am very conflict-avoiding and so is my husband but I feel that they walk right over me.
This year it is our turn to host Christmas dinner again and I truly cannot see a way of continuing in the same manner. I can see this is a potentially explosive and frustrating situation. One thing is certain — you and your husband must act united. Guilt makes people over-compensate. I consulted family psychotherapist Tony Manning aft. In a calm moment, try to talk to your husband. In compromising, remember you will both have to modify your behaviour.
Given that you cannot change your MiL repeat this to yourself several times , all you can work on are your reactions and behaviour. How did you deal with that? All this bitterness directed at you is about her , not you. Repeat this to yourself many, many times. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
Follow Annalisa on Twitter AnnalisaB.