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John Norman - A year-old given an order for playing music at an unacceptable volume May Robert Bullough - A year-old disabled man given an order for making 10, phone calls to his local council in four months April Peter Stoodley - Given an order because of the noise made by his chickens April Giran Jobe - A council application for an ASBO to be made against a weightlifter for exercising too loudly was rejected in court April Jeremy Awdry - A year-old given an order after his neighbours claimed he could not control his livestock January Breached the order December Breached the order again by giving a passer-by a "dirty look".
John Garcia - A year-old deported to the Philippines, a country he left at the age of four and whose language he doesn't speak, after committing petty crimes and breaching his order January [see also: BBC coverage , January ]. Mirriam Ammash - The criminalisation of spitting January Unnamed 1 - A year-old woman banned from returning to her privately owned house for three months December Ryan Starkley - A year-old now faces jail should he drop his trousers in public December Unnamed 2 - In the first case of its kind, a year-old boy from Norfolk had his use of the internet restricted by an ASBO.
He is banned from publishing material on the internet that "promotes criminal activity" December Robert Webber - A year-old "serial menace" given a two-year order after a number of petty shoplifting offenses. His lawyer said: "If you want to get him out of trouble the answer is not to give him an Asbo, but to put him in a residential rehabilitation unit to be policed on a socially acceptable basis and educated".
His order bans him from behaving anti-socially, drinking alcohol in public and using some parts of the public transport system. Mark Smith - A year-old who faked drug overdoses to stay in hospital given an order forbidding him from entering hospitals except in a real emergency or with written permission August Diane Duffin - A year-old given an interim order banning her from playing music in her home between 11pm and 7am August Caroline Bishop - A dispute between two neighbours ended with this year-old being given an order for singing in her bathroom July Thompson family - A family banned from all homes in the town in which they live except their own May Hampstead Council estate - Camden council has threatened parents with ASBOs should their children be caught playing ball games on the estate in which they live April William Rae - A year-old who has gone to court to fight an order imposed on him for shouting at his TV March Daniel Whittle - A year-old forbidden from carrying a lighter or "any articles that emit a flammable substance at any time, in any place" after lighting fires in the garden of his home March Olga Conco - A year-old woman banned from entering the road on which she used to live for 20 years March Stanley Brown - A year-old given an order banning him from spitting into his neighbour's garden February Andrew Walch - A year-old banned from wearing any item of clothing that restricts view of his face February Yan Price - A year-old given an order for mowing his garden lawn whilst naked January Dawn Benson - A woman threatened with an order for feeding pigeons January Philip Powner - A year-old man given an interim order for trespassing and stealing from his neighbours' gardens December Ideal Upholstery - In a rare case of a company being threatened with an order, this furniture factory has been targeted after complaints from local residents.
However, environmental services found that noise and pollution levels did not constitute a "statutory nuisance", so an ASBO would be used instead to effectively bypass the law November John Conington - An year-old given an order following a dispute with his neighbours over the size of the trees in his garden November A clause in his order forbids him from asking anyone for cigarettes or money October David Grimes - This year-old became the first person to be given an order banning domestic violence.
It is of particular interest because domestic violence is, of course, already a criminal offence making this another area of traditional law that the ASBO impinges on October Nicholas Phillip Corelli-Lichtenstein - A year-old given a year order for sending offensive letters to MPs, councillors and government agencies October Mark Bowkett - A year-old banned from his home town of Lydney for 10 years. According to the police "he has become not only a career criminal but also a common bully", but the ASBO does nothing to curb his behaviour rather it serves merely to displace it September The order would force him to stop the animal from crowing between 10pm and 7am.
A vet quoted in court papers said that "there was nothing that could be done to quieten a cockerel other than wring its neck".
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Shane Maslen - An year-old banned from playing football in the street for two years September Mike Townley - A year-old policeman currently off work with stress sent a letter by his council threatening him with an ASBO over an ongoing feud with his neighbours September Janice Lee - A year-old given an order to stop her singing at home. She intends to move house saying: "It makes me look like some sort of criminal" September Graham Branfield - A year-old bird lover given an order preventing him from feeding pigeons in his back garden July Next - A local councillor from Wirral Council in Merseyside has written to the clothing company threatening to apply for an order unless they stop making late-night noisy deliveries July Donal Burke - A year-old given an order for playing U2 music too loudly July Winifred Mills - A year-old threatened with eviction after encouraging her son to visit her at home because the council estate in which she lives is off limits to him under the terms of his ASBO June Mark Dixon - A year-old banned from every train and railway station in England and Scotland June Paul Henney - Given an order for slamming doors in his house too loudly June Bernard Hambleton - A year-old who has been feeding birds at his home for around 20 years given an order banning him from doing so for two years.
His partner said: "we were shocked when we heard it had gone this far but it only takes a couple of people to get the ball rolling and then it escalates to this. I think it's a vendetta and we don't need it because we've got bigger problems to deal with [Hambleton is suffering from terminal throat cancer]. But now they are targeting older people. We're an easy target as pensioners" May Whether Howard will stop preaching, ignore the order, or simply move to another busy area of central London remains to be seen May Having simply moved to other parts of central London, Westminster council applied on 2 August to have the order extended to cover the entire borough August Dean Handford - One of a pair of year-old identical twins jailed for 90 days for urinating against a shop May Mark Burt - Banned from owning a stereo for three years after breaching his noise-abatement notice May David Hibbs-Turner - In a clear example of the ASBO being used outside of its remit, Merseyside Police have used it to combat organised crime by banning a "crime boss" from the city centre at night for the next ten years April Terry Clowsley - In a case similar to that of Brian Hagan see below this farmer has been threatened with an ASBO because his pigs keep escaping from his farm April David Howarth - A year-old "cowboy builder" could be banned from cold-calling for business for the next five years April Hayley Wignall - A year-old given an order for leaving bin bags of rubbish in her garden April David Burrows - A year-old policeman who took a police baton into a pub given an order banning him from the premises for two years.
He resigned from South Wales Police before he could be sacked April Mark Wainfur - A year-old given an order banning him from wearing hooded tops April Italiano Thomas-Bell - A year-old banned from wearing hooded tops, comnuicating with two of his friends, going to certain areas of Manchester and drinking in public until April Teressa Webb - A year-old given an order for playing the hit music single "Amarillo" too loudly March David Key - An year-old given an order to prevent him from sticking up two fingers to form a V-sign March Paul Jones - A year-old banned from using power tools for six years March William Hillan - Given a temporary order after his neighbours complained that he was playing music too loudly.
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Hillan, who is gay, argued that he is being victimised on account of his sexuality: "I have lived here for 10 years and there weren't any problems until certain neighbours moved in a couple of years ago". Amy Dallamura - A year-old woman banned from her town's seafront after repeatedly endangering her own life.
She is banned from entering the sea, the beaches and parts of Aberystwyth promenade January She was arrested near cliffs a few hours after her appeal to have her order overturned was unsuccessful February Neil Carpenter - A year-old former soldier, who dressed in Nazi uniform, given an order banning him from wearing military gear or pseudo military uniforms and from making military gestures such as saluting or actions which "appear to be of a military nature" January Angela Ramsden - A year-old given an interim order banning her from having sex in public places January Craig Brealey - A year-old glue-sniffer banned from possessing any solvent based substances in a public place January Stuart McGhie - A 'sex pest' who was banned from showing or dropping any bank notes on the floor in public to attract teenage girls jailed for two years for breaching the order December Ian Matthews - A year-old forbidden from playing football in the street December Marion Beresford - A year-old spent Christmas and New Year in jail for breaching the terms of her order by playing loud music December Andrew Caulfield - A year-old schoolboy in Scotland given an ASBO warning by his council after neighbours complained about him practising the bagpipes.
Lisa Richardson - A year-old banned from playing any music in her flat between 11pm and 7. Trevor Davidson - In a case that exemplifies the ASBO's capacity to facilitate the settling of petty disputes and accommodate vindictive behaviour, a judge refused to make an order against a man after a string of complaints from his neighbours. It is a sad sign of the times that it has gone this far. Vic Moszcyznski - A man who puts up a display of Christmas lights each year to raise money for a local children's charity has been threatened with an order by police because of the anti-social behaviour of the large numbers of people who come to see the spectacle November Asda - Asda has also been on the receiving end after Liverpool City Council threatened the retailer with an ASBO for marketing eggs as "Halloween Fun", a move the authorities feared would encourage people to throw them October William Hardman - Banned from boarding a train or entering a railway station in England and Wales for the next two years without written permission after assaulting a ticket inspector October Arthur Burgess - An year-old given an order October He has since been jailed for 11 months for breaching his order March Michael Donockley - The case of this year-old, who breached his order but was spared jail on account of his improved behaviour, serves to highlight the triviality of offences that can constitute a breach.
Donockley is banned from associating with a friend of his, but when a chance meeting occurred in their town centre the pair were spotted by a policeman and Donockley was arrested October Trevor Petgrave - A year-old, currently in jail for racially aggravated abuse, given a five year order that bans him from using the words "Taliban", "white trash", "white bitch", "white slag" and "Paki" either verbally or in written form upon his release September James Collins - A year-old flasher banned from his own road and surrounding streets faces jail for returning to his own house September Edward Freear - A year-old pensioner jailed for the second time for having breached his order September Christine Boswell - A year-old partially blind pensioner jailed for swearing September Maughan family - A year-old mother and her two daughters banned from "cold calling" at any home in the UK August Andrew Stephan - A year-old who stole knickers and sex toys from women on the Isles of Scilly given an order banning him from visiting the island or entering a house without invitation for seven years.
He claims that banning him from Scilly, where his ten-year-old daughter and four-year-old son live with his estranged wife, is effectively "banishment from his home" August The Court of Appeal has since ruled that the ASBO was "too long" and reduced its length to two years November Janice Leverett - A year-old accused of turning her home into an "underaged drinking den" has been served an order than bans any "young people" other than her three children from visiting the house, while nobody is allowed to sleep there.
She is also banned from producing any noise on her television or stereo that is audible from outside her house August Smith family - In one of the first uses of its type, four members of a family of travellers have received Asbos establishing an exclusion zone of five square miles in the area they had been living, which they can now stop in only to get petrol.
Outside the prohibited area they are allowed to stay in one place for no longer than 21 days and cannot return to a previous campsite for at least a year August Frank Gibson - A year-old served an interim order banning him from contacting his former girlfriend and her daughter except through a solicitor until This marks another avenue of use for Asbos far outside their initial remit August Marie Dalziel - A year-old compulsive arsonist given an order under which she must obey a 7pm curfew, wear an electronic tag, attend a drugs rehabilitation course and not carry any lighter accelerant.
More significantly, the Council failed in their attempt to ban her from carrying a lighter or matches because her lawyer successfully argued that she had a human right to smoke August Suran Karim - A year-old illegal cigarette seller banned from carrying more than three packets of cigarettes at any one time and offering to sell tobacco products anywhere in England and Wales August Gon Ren Zhou - A year-old street trader given an order for selling counterfeit DVDs, the second of its kind within the space of two weeks August William Porteous - A year-old jailed for three months for breaching his order by playing loud rock music July Julie Brown - A year-old pregnant women whose unborn baby was mistakenly threatened with an order July Mohammed Iftikhar - A year-old who followed postmen and stole mail given an order banning him from following postal staff and handling any mail which is not addressed to him with prior permission July Barrington Harris - A year-old in breach of his order for singing too loudly at home was jailed, refused bail, and subsequently missed his mother's funeral July He was recently released having spent 64 days in prison but is likely to lose his flat as his housing association has initiated eviction proceedings against him September Mark Devlin - A year-old former heroin addict jailed for breaching his order which forbade him from riding his pushbike July Hugh McColl - A year-old who was served an order forbidding him from playing his TV or stereo too loudly, slamming doors or stamping on the floor and was subsequently jailed for its breach July Simon Frodsham - A year-old banned from over churches and two town centres was jailed after intentionally breaching his order for the 17th time.
He told magistrates: "I believe the only thing this order has achieved is to institutionalise me It has got to the stage where I can no longer function in the community and have to be looked after by prison staff" July Stefan Noremberg - A year-old banned from moving furniture in a way that can be heard from outside his house June John McCarthy - A year-old who, when drunk, has often doused himself in petrol and threatened to set himself alight served an order banning him from all petrol stations and shops where petrol is available to the public through England and Wales.
He is also banned from anywhere alcohol is for sale while he is under its influence, and is forbidden from drinking in public places other than pubs and restaurants June Ewan David Deans - A year-old served an interim order which, among other things, bans him from Lincoln City football ground for three months.
He is also forbidden from going within metres of any football ground Lincoln City are playing at two hours before kick-off time June However, the area around his home where he has upset his neighbours by staging demolition derbies and car races is not covered by the order. It's official. You are turning into your dad. This hilarious book is packed full of stories, advice, amusing quotes and more, designed to help men of all ages spot those unthinkable, yet inevitable signs that you are, in fact, becoming like your dad.
An ideal book for those men who are old before their time, and those who are just getting on a bit, it will either have them embracing their inner dad or running in the opposite direction. Heffa Lump is still living at home in Spatula having graduated from the Spatula Academy of Fictional Excellence, and is looking forward to a life of notoriety as the girlfriend of the fabulously wealthy vampire Teddy Kelledy.
Still desperate for fame, Heffa considers entering Undead's Got Talent, judged in part by the fearsome Vindicti - the only problem is, she's not a member of the undead. She soon realizes that hers and Teddy's love story is so amazing that it alone could make them both famous! As her plans for fame become more elaborate, she graciously allows Teddy to give her a blinging engagement ring and the society wedding of the season, with as much media coverage as possible.
However, the course of true love and Heffa's frenzied rise to fame is threatened by The Vindicti, who want to make sure that the Kelledys' incredible celebrity power is under their control. WIll Heffa ever get fame, fangs and a fabulously famous family? Will Teddy get the wedding night he lusts after? Find out in this hilarious new addition to the Twishite parody series. If Adrian Mole had grown up to be a grumpy old git who had to cope with failed marriage and a life-sucking job, and worse, whose colleagues actually thought he was a miserable old git, he might be a bit like Dave Cross.
Diary of a Grumpy Old Git is the laugh-out-loud diary of Dave Cross, a man who thought he was reasonably cheerful until someone from his office bought him a 'Grumpy Old Man' diary for Christmas. Determined to prove them wrong, he resolves to be positive for an entire year. But it's not easy when your wife has run off with an estate agent called Brad and you've got a young, ambitious new boss who is determined to make you actually do some work.
Add to this the everyday horrors of public transport, shopping, technology, popular culture and dating, and a sunny outlook is too much to ask. But with his fiftieth birthday fast approaching, Dave is determined to make his life less shambolic. Fantastically witty and painfully accurate, Diary of a Grumpy Old Git will appeal to anyone, grumpy old git or otherwise When Europe directs a horror film, the middle class trembles. Do we know how to recognize our oldest fears?
Where are the monsters that want to suck our blood? And worst of all The idea is simple: in a few sentences, people describe the various moments that have ruined their day. From the sublime and ridiculous to the truly mortifying, these snapshot anecdotes are all per cent genuine, and very, very funny.
It ended with me saying "Fuck you! One woman stood up and started making noises. I assumed she had won and I started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack.
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I essentially applauded her death. FML' 'Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face.
I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from hitting the wall.
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FML' 'Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy of her Twilight book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML' 'Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said, "Yes. Frederic was a perfectly normal French boy who lived on the outskirts of Paris in a countryside setting. His life seemed destined to be a quiet, predictable ride if you were willing to ignore a reasonably dysfunctional family, dangerous and colorful friends, a gorgeous English teacher, a near-paralytic attitude toward women on a romantic level, no self-confidence to speak of, and a habit of letting himself be dragged into twisted situations.
Through the French school system, family vacations, beauty school, military service, complicated border crossings, wedding plans, and a ludicrously long trail of failed attempts at relationships, he remained barely sane enough to forge his own opinions on what, how, and why the French do the things they do.
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In this series of essays, he reaffirms or decries stereotypes, presents the pros and cons of the French lifestyle, but also shows that not all French men are smooth, sophisticated, or have all the answers about the female gender. This book does that too. Death may be bleak but - rest in peace - there is nothing gloomy about this curious compendium of tales of the departed. Here is a book that looks at the funny side of one of life's certainties the other being taxes With advice on planning your big finish and how to attract the crowds at your funeral, as well as inspirational anecdotes involving extremely wealthy animals, no headstone is left unturned in the quest for hilarity.
From funeral facts and famous last words, to musings on the afterlife, all that is witty and wry about kicking the bucket is presented here for your amusement.
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Just don't follow the example of the Greek philosopher Chrysippus A compilation of stories that stress the importance of seeing the humor and lighter side of life's events. This quirky little story takes place in the vast winter wilderness of Alaska, where a young army sergeant assumes command of a small maintenance team to recover a broken-down vehicle left behind by an engineering outfit on a training exercise. Sergeant Snerly receives the assignment upon his arrival in Alaska.
With hardly enough time to settle into his new digs, he is given another surprising and secret assignment from his psychotic commanding general. As Snerly and his team make their way, some strange events occur that elicit more than simple awe. And despite the odd setbacks put before them, Snerly and his team carry on with their mission.
If you thought you knew what the military is like, this humorous novel will be an eye opener. A mondegreen is a word or phrase which, when spoken or sung, is misheard as another word or phrase, often resulting in a hilarious outcome. Most people have heard of the famous mondegreen, 'send three-and-fourpence, we're going to a dance', the surprise request of a troop of soldiers who actually said, 'send reinforcements, we're going to advance'. The most common causes of confusion are song lyrics, as puzzled listeners struggle to work out why The Beatles were singing "The girl with colitis goes by" 'The girl with kaleidoscope eyes' , but mondegreens are not only found in songs and poetry, but also in everyday life.
For example, the lady who rang the hospital asking for Sir Michael Spears, when, in fact, she was actually enquiring about cervical smears. Programmed Sheep is an adult comedy built on my observation that humans all behave like sheep. Therefore, we are treated as such by government, politicians, employers, and the police, who all control our lives.
We are being programmed to think like they want us to think, taking away our free will, freedom of speech, and even our own identity. I think most of the problems of the world are a direct result of interference in our lives by people using propaganda and lies to control the way we do think, which in turn makes us unhappy "lost sheep. So rather than following the flock as a mindless sheep, I wanted to break free and make readers aware of the world as I see it. The book starts when I was going through mental anguish and everything started to get me down.